Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

Caps lock is activated.

[zentreEve]

Okay I think I'll start a new selection of poems...

[RokyRakoon]

These are all really good Eve; I really loved 'rotten apples'... I have only had time so far to really read that (thoroughly) as well as 'What's in a Bed' which was priceless. The others I read but I need to read them a few more times cause I like to do that before trying to comment on a poem.... but as for 'Rotten Apples'... it was awesome... This may sound funny, but for some reason I decided to read it upside down or backwords as I was scrolling back up to the top of the page; reading the bottom line first and then the next and so on untill the first... and actually, I think that the poem sounds awesome that way too, which you would think would be impossible, but it seems to work almost... just thought I'd let you know that cause it's interesting... anyhow... I loved the lines 'But there is no child here; Just rotten memories of an ambush of confusion; That fall signed release from an incapable commitment; Yet now the price of life without, seems too expensive...', I think that was just worded perfectly... a truly beautful poem; backwords and forwards... Great job... I will comment more when I get a chance to dive into the others... Anyhow; I'm glad that you started your own poetry thread to put your poems in to make them easier to find... They are definitely good enough to warrent their own spot....

Peace & Much Luv....

RokyRakoon

[asiasiunia]

finally!

/reserved for comments of more substance which will appear tomorrow

So far, I've read Rotten Apples. It is a sonnet, yesh?

[MovieGuru]

Read the first and I was pleasantly  impressed. nice writing.

[zentreEve]

To Roky:

lolzomg! it never dawned upon me to read a poem from bottom to top heh mirthfully outrageous a concept but you've got that brain cookin all sorts of unique-styles huhn and yes after reading it again, I see exactly what you mean but only in some paragraphs do such sentences work well, if not better, I dunno. What a wonderful analysis/procedure in the art of reading and I thank you for the generosity of the comments passed, they were well-appreciated. Oh oh but hey, hold up, when you get the time, do slip in a couple of pointers if you like aei? thx!
 
The same goes for everyone: it's always good to hear diverse perspectives on writing especially while your tidbits are being curiously scanned, but please don't hesitate to critique my work even if it's a spoonful of black-salt being choked down. I wish to hear the cure in the light of honey or whiskey induced commentary, whaever works for you lovelaye people.

[zentreEve]

Read the first and I was pleasantly  impressed. nice writing.

that means a lot,

[asiasiunia]

I am just working on my interpretation of the "Rotten Apples" and I am beginning to be sure that this poem is for me about abortion and what comes after for a woman.

Edit: It could be about miscarriage as well.

But the rest soon, in this post cause I don't wanna make to much mess.

Edit 2:

I didn't manage to rethink everything so I will just write and we'll see what comes out of it. My initial thoughts about the poem were circulating around the issue of sex. And I thought about sexual initiation (I don't know how to say this in English so I am using this a bit lofty phrase). I thought about how the first sexual experience could really be far from a well-established euphoric picture we can see in movies. I felt stirred in that direction by "satin sheets" but I couldn't explain to myself the significance of this "tiny hand" in third stanza. Although I explaind "baby cries" and "no child here" - a child that is no more a child cries for the lost innocence.

But the "tiny hand" led me in a different direction - abortion. Another issue extremely important for women. On the one hand giving more freedom, on the other leaving a woman alone and possibly with a potential for life-long despair. What strikes me is that there is no man in this place where she dwells. No man to share responsibility. The woman alone carries her guilt.

And this connects nicely with a Biblical threads in the poem (which I like ), with an apple that Eve ate and gave to Adam. It shows that guilt is women's burden rather than men's. The apple stands for sin, temptation, knowledge and eventually the fall of man (meaning human being). In the Bible it is a beautiful fruit, nice to eat but only because it wasn't tried yet. We don't know what it looks like when first men try it and get the kowledge. Your apples are rotten because they have already been eaten. The woman tried the fruit from the tree of knowledge and she knows the rot the sin brings....

I really like your imagery in this poem especially this:

"However each droplet that falls upon her shivering body

Feels like tiny pebbles thrown from one tiny hand

Rotten from a tearful anger for its unrequited love"

It seems so desperate a gesture. You really captured it.

I like the phrases "ambush of confusion" and "incapable commitment" casue they summarise the whole complicated situations but they also give interesting idea of our thinking about having a child. We reason in terms of an "ambush" and "commitment" and only then, if at all, about "perfection within".  

I think that when it comes to the content and imagery and emotions your poem is great! It is powerful, it is moving and really beautiful. I guess if this works then it means that the form is also good. I think it works pretty well. The sonnet form you chose (if you chose it ) gives a nice opportunity to draw the picture step by step. First you write about the woman, next you talk about her decision as she saw it "then", next it is the "now" and the child is in focus and the couplet summarises the whole. I like it structurally You could work on the sound in your poem, on its rhythm (especially in the ending couplet) but it is nothing really.

[zentreEve]

Yup it was abortion and the turmoil that crashes within once the decision has been made and the unfortunate mission- accomplished...

[Father]

Eve,
this is excellent work.
But of all of them "Locked Windows Open Chasms" cuts deepest for me
It is a superb piece
I love the wording and flow of it as a whole
the message is concise and directed yet you managed to
retain its freedom of verse and verbiage
without loosing the the force of emotionality.
Well done indeed.

Father

[zentreEve]

Asia your innate sense of pulling certain pieces out and rejoining them appropriately like a puzzle is an attribute to be proud of. Like once before, “no one tells it like you do” and here again you managed to pull off the right angles of a poem and place them in an entirely different light especially one that was that was written in such simplicity.

I'm so pleased that the mountain-full of layers were captured and of the fact you noticed the significance of the actual apple, of man not atoned and in principle-surface, that particular loss of grief that can't be unwound like a snake's coil...heh

Thanks again for so vividly pointing out those subtle details and the silky sheets yes did mean "a once upon a time peace"...that can be taken either way.  

[zentreEve]

A boost of confidence from the Father hah booyah! appreciate it dude

[RokyRakoon]

I totally see what Asia was seeing in 'Rotten Apples' and it makes sense in many ways.... I, however thought it was about maybe someone who keeps having 'sex' with the same person over and over again, though they don't love the person or just don't want to for some reason, and because of this, she feels dirty from it; from which this, that Asia also pointed out

Spoiler

 

Water is hoped to cleanse away this immortal pain

However each droplet that falls upon her shivering body

Feels like tiny pebbles thrown from one tiny hand

Rotten from a tearful anger for its unrequited love

I took to be her taking a shower after every time and trying to wash off the sin of it all and the dirty feeling she gets each time she does what she knows she shouldn't do... which could be even deeper and more personal than sex even... but even with this and the way I took the poem to mean, Asia's idea about the little hands being from abortion and all that... that could still fit into everything I have seen in it, so I don't disagree with her, but I just saw another angle kind of.... I don't really know how to put it right....

Anyhow; as I said before; great poem Eve... I really enjoyed it!!!!

Much Love,

Roky

[zentreEve]

aww *kiss kiss* aren't you the sweetest damn thing in the world Roky?1 ehe I'm a bit out of whack sorrae if i go a bit far in this days posting, Saturday seemed to have begun a lil early than previously proposed so nice to have your kind words, your smoke poem actually made me write one of my own, tinier than yours and none as elaborate but it needs its tweaks or not, perhaps flawed poems are good dunno.
..
Quite. so yes I actually had to read those apples all over again after asia's and your comments and both of your cognizant analysis was wonderful, while hers was more towards my intention, your portrayal brought a whole new darker image/side ot the thing and I loved that! I didn't experience it in my mind that way at all so after reading the above; after that fresh glance you were highly persuasive in deciphering the thing...the whole slut/perhaps agreeable rape o_O  pretext to the subtext thing.

Thanks for providing me with a fresh look




I hope to hear from you furthermore down this road and Godspeed!!!!

[asiasiunia]

Just wanted to let you know that I did not forget about this thread and I will come here when I have some more time

Congratulations on your new colour!  It's sweet, isn't it?

[eclective]

/added to index
Thanks for sharing Eve (despite that it's an overdue thanks)
I'll feedback on these soon.

[eclective]

You have a very beautiful way with your words, and even in the pieces that cry anger or disgust they still have the allure almost of a predator, dangerous but still strangely enticing.  I promised you some feedback, so here goes...


Rotten Apples:
I was a little thrown by the reference to "tiny pebbles thrown from one tiny hand."  Most of this piece seemed to wash anguish over virginity lost, the passage from childhood.  There were tones of other things in there as well, but if I read my own confusion as a by-product of the that hinted at in the line "Just rotten memories of an ambush of confusion" it almost starts to come together.  Of three possible interpretations of the piece, (virginity/rape/miscarriage), I kept coming back to the tiny pebbles and the tiny hand.  Ghostly retribution from the lost baby.  Since a lot of your work seems very deliberate, I can't throw that line out as frippery.


Locked Windows Open Chasms:
I liked this piece a lot.  It brought to me feelings similar to those behind one of my own pieces.

The intimacy in it is very well drawn, and the allusions to history repeating and the act happening inside this oblivious cocoon, some happy secret place away from the hurlyburly of the world outside and all the stresses and trials there...

Favourite stanza(s): Ethereal whispers forgotten, begin screeching monitions/Nymphs aplenty gather, to announce ostracisms/Conscience places a mandate to part this rebellion/To no avail, to no avail.  
"We shouldn't, we shouldn't" and yet they do.  The chorus of inner mind's guilt giving way to the inevitable.

And the final closing stanza, pragmatic and obvious, that despite their ardour and intent, all things pass and move on.


Nepenthe: Vaporour & Damned Be Our Choices
This seems to follow quite handily from Locked Windows in a way.  Read as such, the embrace of forgetful sleep and the thrashing of guilt and justification in that quiet time seems all the more poignant.  A sharp vignette.


What's In a Bed?
I liked this little ode.  But now I'm confused... I thought 90% of pleasing a woman was headwork.  The other 10% is key though, I guess

Of Hopes & Nevers
Another very well made vignette.  This one crafted exceeding well.  It feels like the long-obvious end to a relationship.  It could also (so well formed as it is) be part of a novel taken out of context.

Time & Date
Never a truer sentiment made.

Two Weeks Locked In Trepidation
*clink*  Raining a tirade in toast.  Had I been the subject of such a toast, I don't believe I'd dare show my face again.  Never more roundly have I read such a repudiation.  And despite its subject, I have to say it's a joy to read out loud.  For some reason I'm hearing a toast to GWBush... just me I'm sure.  And as I'm reading your work again to make my comments fresh, I think the color of your phrasing is washing off on me... wordy is not the word.  Anywho, onwards...

Stopping For A Glass of Madeira & Forlorn Pills
In a very short space you captured betrayal, failed suicide and hollow acceptance.  The image of the psychatrist as Aladdin's uncle, peddling supposed happiness in bitter jagged pills... I kinda liked that o_O

Titleless
... hope prevails and we try it anyway?

...
...

I'm kinda out of time, but I'll come back with more later.

[pheno]

Nepenthe: Vaporous & Damned Be Our Choices
For a piece that reflects the damnation of choices it is beautifully expressed. The 5th stanza on the Otherside and hesitation is mostly true, but in understanding cause and effect, not necessarily a total mystery, but then I guess that would take it out of the scope of damnation in presenting the possibility of good fortune. In capturing the sentients of a person on the threshold of wanting change, it is quite perfect

What's In A Bed? this was lol

I'll keep popping in to digest more.

[zentreEve]

eclective: frakin great comments and I sincerely thank you for taking the time out to go thru the material, it gave me a nip/tuck at my own perspective of the written word

& pheno: well yeah I can see where you're getting at ..I noticed it later on a bit myselff haha so advice noted...dude thx a lot!

/beams

[pheno]

I'm liking the Madeira and forlorn pills.

It has a deep melancholic tone to it with notes of humility, beautiful.

Still not got into all of them , one at a time

Thanks Eclective for figuring out the psychiatrist and pills

[zentreEve]

Yeah we all skim through each other's stuff like a few at a time, it's best that way...there's a lot of talent and a helladramatic amount to read out there. Thanks for coming back

/

[Tiger_Vi]

Oh wow, I can't believe I haven't left a comment here before, sorry!

Rotten apples made me cry. It's powerful.

What's in a bed made me laugh, short but it's amusing and says all it needs to really.

I also really like the way you use certain lines (sometimes the last, sometimes ones in the middle) as complete thought statements. They carry a lot somehow.

[zentreEve]

Awweey thx hun sometimes I do feel as if I've missed out on an important detail so I try to introduce a gumbo pit of emotions all at once which can be hard to understand for most people often times even me. But I'm ecstatic you liked Rotten Apples, it's one of my favorites too & also the fact that some of my sentences carried out well enough

[kspeaking]

Hey Eve.... So I read the first two so far, Rotten Apples and Locked Windows.... I'll come back and read more later (i find if you read too much of a person's poetry in a row, it's hard to absorb) But I really liked the first two.  Rotten apples has some great imagery, subtly comparing a baby with a basket of apples (it made me sad... i hope i'm interpreting it right) and Locked Windows, if it's not already, would make a great song. the image of lonely lighthouse keepers and the cycles of life were powerful.  I would love to know what was going on in your head with this one... what the metaphors mean to you....

[zentreEve]

Mmm, what was going through my head when I wrote it...well, it was just a fragment of my life that I wanted to capture in writing since I was sure of the invitable...the departed lovers leavers' dance you could say, which I used as the driving force behind my emotions. That's what directed me and I remember that everything flowed so easily (usually when I write I do a ton of edits etc) but this I can say was most likely the truest and honest thing I've written thus far (in terms of a significant other) and it still renders close to my heart.

Thanks kspeak for dropping by

[D3bian]

Eve, this is really great stuff.  I've been reading these while waiting for someone and I'm really impressed.  My favorite is Devil's Kiss.